Saturday, December 28, 2013

And there were 6

So, I dont write about fostering all that much, but I decided to today.  We have had the sweetest little boy for the past 16 months and it looks like we are going to be keeping him!  It has been a roller coaster ride as most foster placements are.  For a long time it looked like little pip squeak was going home, so I had to wrap my heart and my head around that.  Now things have taken a turn and it looks like we are going to be a family of 6!  I am nervous about the up coming months and all that we are going to have to go through to get there, but thats ok.  I cant wait to see what God has in store for all of us in this situation!

Friday, December 6, 2013

Don't sweat the small stuff....but to me nothing is small

 I am sitting here watching my kids play and be loud and well.....just be kids and I am full of anxiety.  I have always wanted a big family, lots of babies, but I feel like I am failing at this.  I have such a hard time just sitting and enjoying my kids, it seems like they drive me crazy MOST of the time.  I want so badly to be a good, fun mom that just lets everything roll off, but I cant and I find myself stressed, screaming, and having anxiety attacks.  Parenting does not come easy for me and never has.  I did not grow up with good parents that taught me so most of the "normal" parenting that I have seen has been in bits at friends houses and on TV.  I know that sounds nuts but its kinda hard to learn to be a parent when you haven't really had any and watching a 30 minute episode of Roseanne just doesn't cut it.  

Sunday, August 11, 2013


I recently read this quote that has stayed in my mind and on my heart  "A child born from another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy & the depth of that privilege are not lost on me."   This statement says so much.  I often think about my daughters birth mother and wonder what she is doing and if she thinks about her.  I am beyond blessed that this beautiful girl calls me mommy, but somewhere inside me, I wonder does her birthmother grieve for her.  I wish she could know and understand how much she is loved and not taken for granted.  
   I fought for my daughter and knew what was right for her, but the goodbye visit she had with her birthmother was one of the hardest days of my life, so I can only imagine how hard it was for her.  I grieved for her and prayed for her nonstop for weeks, and still do at times.  I wish for her that she have peace and happiness in her life and that she know in her heart how much we love this sweet girl.  I think about this often, especially around my daughters birthday or other important milestones.  It is sad that there is another woman out there that will not know the joy of watching this beautiful girl grow into a strong woman, but I am so blessed that I am able too, and I will always have her birthmother in my heart and my prayers.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

mommy guilt

So, my oldest son, Zeke is about to graduate and I find myself looking back over his life.  He was my first baby, I loved him instantly and in many ways he saved me.  But yesterday as I was watching my sweet boy walking to school, so quiet with his head down, I felt such guilt over not being a better mom.  I have always suffered with depression and some anxiety and lets face it, I am not patient AT ALL.  I know all moms out there have felt this dreaded mommy guilt.  In many ways he has grown to be so much better than me and more mature, I am truley thankful for that.  Although as a teenager we butt heads at times , he is a great kid and I am so proud of him.  It going to be hard to let go and learn to be a mom of an adult.  But most of all getting rid of this mommy guilt!