And there were 6

So, I dont write about fostering all that much, but I decided to today.  We have had the sweetest little boy for the past 16 months and it looks like we are going to be keeping him!  It has been a roller coaster ride as most foster placements are.  For a long time it looked like little pip squeak was going home, so I had to wrap my heart and my head around that.  Now things have taken a turn and it looks like we are going to be a family of 6!  I am nervous about the up coming months and all that we are going to have to go through to get there, but thats ok.  I cant wait to see what God has in store for all of us in this situation!

Don't sweat the small stuff....but to me nothing is small

 I am sitting here watching my kids play and be loud and well.....just be kids and I am full of anxiety.  I have always wanted a big family, lots of babies, but I feel like I am failing at this.  I have such a hard time just sitting and enjoying my kids, it seems like they drive me crazy MOST of the time.  I want so badly to be a good, fun mom that just lets everything roll off, but I cant and I find myself stressed, screaming, and having anxiety attacks.  Parenting does not come easy for me and never has.  I did not grow up with good parents that taught me so most of the "normal" parenting that I have seen has been in bits at friends houses and on TV.  I know that sounds nuts but its kinda hard to learn to be a parent when you haven't really had any and watching a 30 minute episode of Roseanne just doesn't cut it.  

birthmother

I recently read this quote that has stayed in my mind and on my heart  "A child born from another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy & the depth of that privilege are not lost on me."   This statement says so much.  I often think about my daughters birth mother and wonder what she is doing and if she thinks about her.  I am beyond blessed that this beautiful girl calls me mommy, but somewhere inside me, I wonder does her birthmother grieve for her.  I wish she could know and understand how much she is loved and not taken for granted.  
   I fought for my daughter and knew what was right for her, but the goodbye visit she had with her birthmother was one of the hardest days of my life, so I can only imagine how hard it was for her.  I grieved for her and prayed for her nonstop for weeks, and still do at times.  I wish for her that she have peace and happiness in her life and that she know in her heart how much we love this sweet girl.  I think about this often, especially around my daughters birthday or other important milestones.  It is sad that there is another woman out there that will not know the joy of watching this beautiful girl grow into a strong woman, but I am so blessed that I am able too, and I will always have her birthmother in my heart and my prayers.

mommy guilt

So, my oldest son, Zeke is about to graduate and I find myself looking back over his life.  He was my first baby, I loved him instantly and in many ways he saved me.  But yesterday as I was watching my sweet boy walking to school, so quiet with his head down, I felt such guilt over not being a better mom.  I have always suffered with depression and some anxiety and lets face it, I am not patient AT ALL.  I know all moms out there have felt this dreaded mommy guilt.  In many ways he has grown to be so much better than me and more mature, I am truley thankful for that.  Although as a teenager we butt heads at times , he is a great kid and I am so proud of him.  It going to be hard to let go and learn to be a mom of an adult.  But most of all getting rid of this mommy guilt!

Happy New Year 2013

Ok, so its been awhile since I have blogged, things have been super crazy and busy, and I have been feeling great lately.  So I thought I would start out tonight and talk about some new year resolutions I have for 2013......
1.  Save money....this is a must, I have to get better with saving!
2.  Be a more involved parent....actually do the things I think about, like arts and crafts and taking the kids to the park and being more active with them.
3. Lose the weight I need to lose....any way I can.....whether it is surgery or dr. help
4.  Stop freaking out about all of the small stuff....this one is going to be very hard for me.
5.  Take one room at a time in my house and get it completely cleaned and organized
6.  Have some dates with my honey....this is a must, we have no "me or we time" ( hey with 4 kids, its hard)
 So these are the things that are on my mind and I am determined to get them done and have a great 2013!

soul searching and house cleaning

  So it has been an interesting last few weeks.  I have had some issues with some people in my family and have decided it is best for me and my children do some house cleaning as far as who we communicate with.  It is sad when your own family stands against you and tries to bring you down.  There is enough of that in the world without your own family being a part of it.  I went into a bit of a depression and started having anxiety attacks during all of this, it was very hard and stressful.  It was good that during all of this we got to get away and go on a much needed vacation to the beach.  I did a bit of soul searching while I was there and tried to get things right in my head and my heart.  My husband and my kids are my main focus right now.  It is sad though that I cannot trust certain people and that really hurts my heart.  But in the end I know that me and my little family will be alright.

My first born

I havent written in awhile so I thought I would sit down tonight and write a short blog.  Tomorrow is my oldest son's 17th birthday.  It makes me kind of sad to think about him being so grown up.  It seems like just yesterday he was born.  I think back about that day, and when the nurse handed him to me, I honestly never knew  I could love anyone so much, I thought he was the most beautiful little bundle I have ever seen.  I remember laying in the bed with him in the hospital watching the brady bunch.  I remember every time the phone rang and I had to move him he would scream his head off, he had some major lungs!  For awhile it was just me and him against the owrld, I was a single mom at the time, but I didnt mind.  There have been so many times during the years I was so sure I made such huge mistakes that I would have messed him up for life, but he has grown into quite a young man.   He is very funny and such a clear sense of right and wrong, he makes me very proud.  He has always tried to help the underdog and cared about people.  But he is still  my baby and I worry about the next few years and him being on his own, hopefully I have prepared him for his grown up life. Happy Birthday Zeke!  I love you more than the whole world!